My Life Is A List of Symptoms

So back in October of 2014, I visited a local doctor to fill out paperwork to state I was healthy enough to move over to the UK with my husband. Since I hadn't seen a doctor since I needed a pediatrician, I got a series of blood tests. They also prescribed me anxiety meds because I was near tears sitting in the doctor's office, thinking I was going to be diagnosed with some terminal cancer.

Thinking back, it was probably fears of cervical or uterine cancer because I hadn't had a natural period in 6 years at that point. I used birth control to make sure I wasn't putting myself at risk for cancer. It's been 8 years now, but you get the point.

I was, instead, diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. That means my thyroid isn't working as well as it should. I was put on 50mcg of Levothyroxine, the generic for Synthroid, and that was that. Doing research, I found what I thought was normal, was in fact not. My ankles and hips always hurt. It felt like I spent high school with a constant headache. Weight gain. Hair loss. Constantly fatigued (that my mom called 'lazy'). And irregular periods.

I had bloodwork done once I got to England, in July 2015, and my levels were "perfect." I didn't feel perfect. I had about a week or so where I had a lot of energy. I joked that, that was what crack must have felt like. But, I quickly returned to my low energy. I still didn't have a period, either. My primary doctor on base suggested I may have PCOS, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

I was referred off base, to an English endocrinologist, a doctor who specializes in the endocrine system, which controls the hormone system. After blood work and an ultrasound on my ovaries, I was diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance. PCOS is the least known endocrine disorder, even though an estimated 10-20% of the female population suffers from it. It's the leading cause of infertility. It can cause male pattern hair growth, hair loss, irregular or absent periods, difficulty losing OR gaining weight, and insulin resistance.

By 2015, I had two endocrine issues and an insulin issue that has made me pre-diabetic. Even if I leave the pre-diabetic zone, I need to live as though I am always in that zone. I was prescribed Metformin, the oral medication for diabetes. The majority of women with PCOS are Insulin Resistant, so Metformin is the only non-fertility drug prescribed in hopes to help.

Early January 2016, I went back to the doctor's, since I STILL didn't have a period, despite being on Levothyroxine and Metformin. I was prescribed birth control again. I mentioned a lump on my neck, which I was positive was attached to my thyroid. It's common with thyroid issues to have an enlargement of the thyroid.

I had an ultrasound, and then got a referral to the endocrinologist again. I also needed a fine needle biopsy to make sure my thyroid nodule wasn't cancerous. That was traumatizing in of itself. I couldn't have Joshua in the room with me, so I bawled my eyes out. Then I got stuck with lidocaine (which burns), then five needles to get fluid out of the nodule. Between the 3rd and 4th stick, I needed another shot of lidocaine. So I had seven needle sticks.

After the ultrasound, I read on the Tricare website why I was referred to an endocrinologist: my thyroid looks off. It looks like I have an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto's Disease. In 95% of patients with Hashimoto's, they have thyroid antibodies, created because the body attacks the thyroid. In my case, I don't have antibodies, but my thyroid looks like a thyroid with Hashimoto's.

So, I've been doing a lot of reading. It is amazing how much the thyroid affects your body. It's also amazing how similar PCOS and Hypothyroidism are similar. Here are a list of symptoms I've had for years and am just realizing they're symptoms:

Fatigue. I thought my lack of energy was normal, until I realized what having energy felt like.

Weight Gain. 

Cold Intolerance. My computer desk is right next to the radiator, and I love being warm.

Hot Flashes. PCOS brought me this one in the last year. After getting comfortably warm next to the radiator, I'll break out in a sweat. Or the funner version: when the heat's been off all day, Joshua is in a sweater, and I'm in a tank top asking if the heater is on (fun fact: it never is when I ask).

Joint/Muscle Pain. My ankles always hurt. Sometimes my hips and shoulders join in that fun party. Occasionally, my thighs will feel like I ran a marathon. Right now, my right one feels like that.

Hair Loss. Both PCOS and Hypothyroidism cause this. My tub doesn't drain after a shower because of how much hair I lose. It's a wonder I still have hair!

Irregular Periods. 8 years without a natural period. Need I say more?

Depression. I had that in high school, BUT I think that was due to high school and not hormonal issues. Who knows?

Anxiety. Both cause this.

Brain Fog. Hypothyroidism causes this. Brain fog is a general term meaning slowed mental processes, forgetfulness, and mixing up words in sentences. I HATE talking out loud because of that. I feel so bad for my new friend, since she's South Korean and English is her second language. I'll be talking to her and mix up words, which has to really confuse her!

Dry Skin. Simply put, I have a few body washes and lotions I've been trying to return moisture to my hands and feet.

Irritibility. I'm pretty sure it's both. I love Joshua so much, because he puts up with my mood swings. I'll be happy, then he'll say something and all of a sudden I'm pissed.

Decreased Libido. I have no sex drive. None whatsoever.

Pelvic Pain. PCOS causes this. Because I have cysts on my ovaries, I will randomly get a sharp pain in one or both ovaries. The pain is worse than menstrual cramps, but the pain is random and quick, versus menstrual cramps are constant.

PCOS Awareness Month and My Journey

Today is September 1^st. A new month. With a new month, a new beginning.

My Story
For the last few years, my health has not been the best. It started in high school, when my menstrual cycle just stopped. I was sixteen at this time. My boyfriend (husband now) and I had barely kissed. Yet my doctor was confident I was pregnant.

Obviously, I wasn’t. So my OB just handed me some birth control and that was that. Over the next couple of years, I would take the pill, and every six months stop for a month in hopes my period would return. It rarely did, and it was only once. I’d have to resume birth control to have a “period.”

At this same time, I never had energy. After eating, I would be ready for sleep. I clogged drains with how much hair I lost when I showered. It was bad. I thought it was normal, since I had a lot of hair and I was lazy.

Fast-forward to 2014. My husband got orders to England, and I was able to go. Thank God! Sixteen months of separation was coming to an end! I just had to visit a doctor, something I hadn’t done in years, to get medically cleared. So I found a doctor through Tricare, and went in for my first appointment.

After bloodwork, and a couple of panic attacks, the doctor diagnosed me. Hypothyroidism and anxiety (who would have thunk? Not like I was near tears sitting in the doctor’s office or anything). I started my medication that day, and got onto a few supplements.

Through research, I saw all of the symptoms and I had a lot. Also, Hypothyroidism can stop periods. To see if it was my thyroid, I stopped taking birth control. If it truly was my thyroid, once my levels were steady, it would return, right?

By the time I got to England, they hadn’t returned. My lack of energy returned, as well as hair loss. I talked to my new doctor on base and he suggested something that my OB never did: PCOS. He referred me to an Endocrinologist off base and I began my new journey.

What is PCOS?
PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is a hormonal imbalance that affects 5-10% of all women. It often goes undiagnosed, because a lot of doctors don’t know about PCOS, or don’t know enough to diagnose you.

Symptoms:
- Weight gain
- Hirsutism (excessive hair growth for women)
- Cysts on ovaries
- Infertility
- Infrequent, absent, or irregular periods
- Acne
- Male pattern baldness
- Skin tags
- Darker skin around neck, arms, breasts or thighs
- Pelvic pain
- Anxiety or depression
- Sleep apnea

These symptoms don’t typically seem like they would point towards one condition. I personally have weight, cysts, and absent periods. I didn’t think about it until recently, but I do also have pelvic pain randomly, as well as anxiety.

PCOS is not curable. It is treatable, thankfully. Your doctor may prescribe birth control, which just puts a band aid on a huge cut. It may not help. It gives you fake periods. Their hope is to get your body tricked into the cycle.

Another medication is Metformin. Some of you may know it as the diabetic medication. A lot of women with PCOS suffer from insulin resistance, which means their insulin isn’t working optimally. Insulin helps with hormone balance. It’s the reason why I get tired after a carb-filled meal. Metformin can help your body regulate itself and ideally get your period back.

Clomid is another medication. I personally do not know much about it, but it’s used to induce ovulation. From my understanding, this medication is given to women who are trying to have a baby. I am not one of those women.

September is PCOS Awareness Month, as well as Ovarian Cancer awareness month and child cancer awareness month. PCOS’s ribbon color is teal. This month I wear teal, knowing my new journey has a lot of bumps ahead of me.

I’m already feeling some of the effects. I can’t eat chips like I want (thank God Pork Rinds are 0 carbs), and I have been craving McNuggets like something else. It’s bad. I felt sad grocery shopping yesterday because I saw things I couldn’t have. Anything processed is out. Anything with sugar is out. Even a lot of healthy foods are out, because of the fruit in it. I am trying to eat 20 carbs or less a day, since I have insulin resistance. A banana has 21 carbs. I can’t have a banana!

But I want to be healthy, and I’ve already lost about 7 pounds. I’m slowly getting energy back, but I did just recently have a very fatigued-filled day last week. It’s a learning process, and I’m very grateful for Joshua to endure most of my diet with me. He still gets taco shells, when I get a lettuce leaf for a shell. 

It's Been A While! (Heads Up: Novella Length!)

It's been quite some time since my last blog post. Life was uneventful. Joshua was in South Korea, I was in the States... Nothing too exciting, really. A few major things did happen, however, so I'll briefly cover them! Afterwards, I'll get onto some more exciting things.

Health

Since Joshua's next duty station was overseas, I needed medical clearance just to prove I didn't need constant healthcare. The problem with that was that I hadn't been to a doctor since I was under 18. I'm 23 now. So I had to find a doctor, get serious stuff done in a short amount of time. On top of that, my civilian doctor couldn't read basic instructions and kept messing up military paperwork. If you have access to a base, and need military paperwork by a doctor, go to the base doctor! 

During this time, I had my "yearly" physical, but found out it's every three years now (woo!). Everything was normal that way. I did get blood work done, and that's where the eye opener happened. I had a few issues.

First and foremost: I have hypothyroidism, That means my thyroid is not working as good as it should. Secondly, I had somewhat high cholesterol, which was from the thyroid issue. Finally, I had low Vitamin D.

During this time, I was near tears and panicking because I feel doctors just give bad news, so I had this irrational fear that I was going to be told I was dying. The nurse asked how I even drive with how bad my anxiety was. So on top of vitamin supplements and thyroid medication, I was given anxiety meds. Thank God.

A few months after that hell, I am now here in the UK, but I still feel out of sorts. I did feel better briefly around January (about a month and a half of taking meds). It was short lived, and I told myself once I got to Lakenheath, I'd talk to a doctor there. So I scheduled an appointment.

I explained to my new doctor about how it felt like I needed a higher does of my thyroid meds because I still feel fatigued and I'm still losing a lot of hair, on top of no periods (a problem I've had since 16). He listened to me and told me he suspected PCOS, but he'd have to refer me off base. I also needed blood work.

After blood work confirmed my hormones were a little wonky, he scheduled me off base with an endocrinologist, a doctor specializing in hormones. So I took a copy of my blood work to the next doctor, and he looked over my results and asked me several questions.

He did think it was PCOS, but there were two other medical issues that could cause a loss of periods. So I'm getting blood work to check for all three tomorrow. On top of that, I had an ultrasound of my ovaries. I'm sad I didn't get to see, especially since Joshua was clueless as to what he was seeing. The technician said my ovaries had PCOS features.

I really hope I do have PCOS, because it can be helped with serious dieting and exercise, as well as Metformin (yes, the diabetic drug). 75% of women with PCOS are insulin-resistant, so Metformin helps a lot.

A Novel!?

Back in November 2014, I participated in my first serious NaNoWriMo attempt. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it takes part in November. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days. That averages out to 1,667 words a day. Not hard once you get into the writing groove.

Well, I did it! I wrote the rough draft to What Were You Wearing? It's a novel focusing on fictional people dealing with a social issue. I want to help people with my writing.

I'm in this awkward stage of writing where I need to rewrite it because half of it is in first person. But on the other hand, I have so many other stories (especially since Joshua gave me another great story idea).

UK Differences

There are SO many differences. Let's start with the cliché: driving on the opposite side of the road. I haven't driven, since I lost my license on the traveling over, but it's intimidating being on the inside of the lane. The roads are narrow and curvy. I really hate the road to Lakenheath, because it's narrow, windy, and 60mph. I scream internally most times.

Next, different types of roads. There are A, B, C, and motorway. Pretty much, motorway is the high way; A is the freeway, and B and C roads are residential. Motorways get most taxes towards them, then A, B, and C (in that order). So B and C roads have some pot holes or are literal dirt roads.

ROUNDABOUTS. EVERYWHERE. They don't have intersections like the States. Instead, it's a right-of-way roundabout. You know that scene in National Lampoon's European Vacation where the family is forever stuck in a HUGE roundabout? That's a legit issue. Pick a wrong lane during rush hour and you could easily go around a few times waiting for an opening.

Next, this country truly doesn't believe in street signs. Our GPS will tell us to turn down The Street, but you don't know which one The Street is. And yes, that's a legit street name. We live on it! Though, a major road may have a sign. Thank God for GPS's and their real time maps.

McD's! So there are a couple of differences I know so far with McDonald's (we don't go often). Firstly, the drink sizes. A large drink is a medium in the States. I like that, it's healthier. It's also nerve wracking to see a cup say "0.5 litre." Also, their McChicken patties are different. In the UK, it's pretty much a giant chicken nugget, instead of the soft patty the States use.

Lakenheath and Mildenhall Differences

So Lakenheath, Mildenhall, and Feltwell are known as the Tri-base area, since they're so close. But Mildenhall and Lakenheath are fifteen minutes apart, so we bounce between bases depending on what we need.

Lakenheath's BX (the mall), is like a JC Penny's. There are lots of clothes. There IS a Starbucks, Charley's, Baskin Robbins, and some small vendors in there, as well. Lakenheath's BX also has household stuff, like vacuums and electronics.

Mildenhall's BX is more of a furniture and gardening store. There's a small toys section, sports clothes, bikes, grills, etc. So if you want a patio set, you go to Mildenhall. It also has a really cute small Celtic store in this BX, as well as Taco Bell and Burger King.

Lakenheath's commissary is the one you want to go to. It's like a major grocery store. Mildenhall's commissary is a very small grocery store, and does not have nearly as much as Lakenheath's. It's sad in comparison.

Lakenheath also has Popeye's, which I just discovered a love for their biscuits, so yeah! Too bad once I'm officially diagnosed with PCOS, I most likely won't have their biscuits. A cruel twist of fate!

So that's that! Sorry it was so long, but it's been awhile! 

Let's Talk About Sam Pepper

If you haven't heard of Sam Pepper, lucky you! He is a vile man who thinks sexually harassing women is funny, and so does his two million subscribers on YouTube.

Recently on a social media site, Tumblr, Sam got a lot publicity, and not good publicity either. He posted a video titled something along the lines of "Fake hand ass pinching." He tucked in his sleeve into his hoodie's pocket, enabling himself to pinch women's bottoms and laugh about it. In the video, which has since been taken down, the women are so uncomfortable. Tumblr blew it up and it was taken down pretty fast.

Within a couple of days, video was gone but a new one replaced it "Fake hand ass pinching part 2 of 3." This time it wasn't him, but a woman pinching men's bottoms. One: this is still sexual harassment, just because a woman is doing it doesn't make it any less wrong. Two: Why didn't the first video have part 1 of 3. I feel this is his way to cover it up. But needless to say, that video was taken down so fast, faster than the first.

And immediately following that video, another one went up. It was him calling this all a social experiment. To shed light on sexual harassment on both men and women.

I call bullshit. Yes, we need awareness on this, so many people don't speak up when sexually harassed or assaulted. But the fact that Sam Pepper did this so-called social experiment is highly unlikely, in my opinion. For starters, his prank videos never come in parts, at all. The fact he did a part two just screams covering his ass.

His social experiment can compare to me going "I love puppies, so I'm going to kick puppies, record it, and call it a social experiment to bring awareness to animal abuse."

Secondly, if you go through his uploads on his channel, you'll see a trend of vulgar pranks. But three catch my eye.

First one was uploaded a while ago titled "How to get a girlfriend EASY." He handcuffs himself to strangers and demands a kiss if they want to be free. REALLY?

Second one is "Lasso pickup." Where he lassos women. We're cattle now?

And the third one is "Easiest way to get numbers." This is where he gets creepy. He goes up to strangers and acts like he knows them to get numbers. "Oh hi, it's been forever! I lost your number, can you give it to me?" And the women go along with it because it's rude to go "Oh nope, totally forgot you dude, sorry!" I know I've done it. I'm actually more likely to forget your name, but that's where I just won't say your name until I hear someone else say it, but I digress. I've done it, I'm pretty sure we've all done it.

So why am I writing about this on my blog? Well, for one he needs to be outted. But mostly it's because this is a serious issue with our society. So many comments on his first two videos were "Grow up it's a joke!" and variations of that.

This are just some comments I found on the part 3 video, Laci Green's video on Sam Pepper, a video Dottie posted on her encounter with Sam Pepper, and a rape allegation posted on YouTube. I've removed pictures and names to respect their privacy.

No. We cannot stop. We need him to be punished because sexual harassment and assault are illegal.

On Laci Green's video, where she speaks about Sam Pepper and than women have been going to her talking to her about their experiences.

Violating basic human rights apparently is harmless fun.

Apparently the woman telling her rape story is lying and is crying out for attention. 

On Dottie's video.

These are just some of the comments. And yes, the rape allegation could be fake. But why not believe her until it's been proven otherwise? Statistically speaking, 2% of rape allegations are fake. That's 2 out of 100. It's unlikely that it's a lie, but also there is that slim chance. Then with Dottie wanting attention... She has 73k subscribers, I really doubt she wants attention.

But from Sam Pepper's YouTube videos, from licking strangers to lassoing and ass grabbing, it's quite clear he has no issue violating human rights for 'prank videos,' as well as forcing himself onto women. You be the judge, but I personally am glad he has been dropped from his YouTube network (so his ad revenue is less), The Fine Bros who do YouTubers React won't have him on the show, and that he has been barred from VidCon, a YouTube convention.

Things need to change. Two million people have no problem with his twisted sense of humor, and find it okay. That's double the population of San Diego, California or San Jose, California. That is a LOT of people to find it okay. But I know there's more people that find it okay. That think women owe them that right to touch our bodies. To kiss them. To have sex with them.

How Do We Do It?

I've been asked this a few times, and I know every milso (military significant other) has.

"How do you do it?" How do you not? What we do as girlfriends, fiancées, boyfriends, husbands and wives to military members is no different from what you do with your husband who works in a cubicle. He gets sent down to L.A. for a week of training; our husbands go to month-long trainings. They have business meetings you can't go to, our husbands have briefings we can't go to.

Though, at the end of the day, nothing bad happens when your husband mentions something over the phone. Our husbands and wives have to play it safe. That is one of the worst things for me, I'm a nosy person and there are things I just can't hear unless face-to-face. I get it, it just sucks.

In a private group for Air Force wives, a lot of new wives have recently joined since their husbands shipped out to BMT, or are about to. They're emotional and questioning. I remember those days well. I was confused, lonely and sad. It is weird to see me not be a newbie anymore, but I'm definitely not a pro. But us older wives can give tips for BMT, because we were there.

One wife said this, which triggered this post:
"... I realized that basic [BMT] wasn't just for him, it's our basic too learning how to adapt to life while they are gone and becoming strong hearted."

I haven't considered it such, but it is true. We have no choice but be strong for our loved one who enlists. BMT is a great experience to learn distance, to be a couple without being together. It strengthens the relationships that are meant to be, and sadly severs the ones that aren't. BMT, and tech school, is a test to our relationships.

So as they're learning to take apart an assault rifle and shoot said rifle, we're learning to stand on our own and handle life without our rock there. We're learning to be the rock, the constant that our loved ones need. We're getting a glimpse into what deployment will be like. I say glimpse because at the end of the day, in BMT they are safe. They get yelled at and are stressed out all the time, but they are not deployed. But we still don't know when we'll talk to our loved one. We still are facing life alone while they're working. We're learning how to cope with problems without our loved one there.

So to bring it back around, how do we do it? Well, we have that experience from BMT. We know what it's like to stare at our phones right after they leave, hoping for a text, but knowing we won't get one. We know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night due to a phone call, hoping it's them. We've faced it alone before. We know what it's like to have no contact: no letters, no phone calls, texts, or Skype calls.

So when we find out their orders are a TDY to Guam, or an unaccompanied tour to South Korea, we know we can handle it. We have Skype for seeing them and dates. We can text. We can play phone tag, too, but that's no fun! We can send pictures, write letters if we wish. We can send each other packages with gifts.

BMT is why I can do what I do. Why I don't cry myself to sleep. Why I can smile and say five more months. It's really easy in comparison.

Anniversary of Joshua Shipping Out/Wedding

A year ago today, my now-husband, Joshua, shipped out to BMT. We watched him swear in, and get into the bus that would to take him to the air port, to his new life. That goodbye was the hardest. His parents cried, I cried... I can't quite remember if Joshua cried. I know he was nauseous; afterwards we realized it was due to the fear of saying goodbye.

Ten months ago, we watched Joshua become an Airman and get his first coin. The pride I felt that day made those two months of loneliness, fear, anxiety and sadness nothing. It was all worth it. On top of that, he looks damn good in ABUs and his Blues. (I prefer ABUs because I don't see them as much).

Nine months ago, the earth-stopping (at the time) news: his first duty station was South Korea, unaccompanied. I was with my mom eating at Popeye's. Just as I finished, I got a phone call from Joshua, which was random (usually it was later in the day, when he was getting ready for bed). My heart sank. We were waiting for his orders for his first base, after Tech School.

I answered the phone and he started the call off with: "So, I've got bad news."

I just knew it. I didn't want South Korea; I knew I couldn't go. "You got your orders?"

"Yeah," he replied. I knew he didn't want to tell me.

"South Korea?"

"Yep."

"And it's unaccompanied, right?"

"Yes." 

In the matter of a day, I, in essence, went through DABDA [Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Anger]. It's the five stages of grief. I didn't lose a loved one, but I was certainly grieving. I didn't cry, but God every time someone asked, I got mad. Let me just grieve a day before bombarding me with questions! Days like that make me wish I had a room of my own.

Six months ago, I was dreading the goodbye. The fact Joshua was going overseas, to South Korea nonetheless, and it was for a year. But life moves on after that goodbye. After the tears are shed, you move forward. You get busy. Before you know it, six months is over, and leave can be taken.

Thank God for mids [night shift] and that Joshua was given mids. It made our talking regularly possible. During day shift, it's phone tag all day long.

So fast-forward to the last three weeks. Joshua almost didn't make it home for our wedding! He called his mom at midnight our time and needed a ticket. I love my in-laws, because they bought him a ticket. I woke up to two texts: one from Sheri and one from Joshua. Both saying similarly.

I drove up to San Francisco to get him. Everyone kept asking if I was up for the long drive, to a place I'm not familiar with. I wanted the privacy, some time with Joshua before he had to share his time with everyone (by the way, that's very difficult!). I did it just fine. I had my phone's GPS, printed out instructions, and I can read signs telling me "152 West, this way."

Nothing prepared me for San Francisco International though. My God, so many overpasses! I could take a wrong turn and be farther away. Or perhaps wind back up on the freeway. But I managed. Joshua found me, and we were together once more. He wanted to surprise me and go somewhere for the night. I suspected Monterey, but he kept denying. Till we were in Monterey.

The week passed in a blur and our wedding was happening! Here are some of my faves!

I was sinking in the sand -- it didn't help with my lack of height.

"I lied at prom," he said.

The train is what sold me on this dress.

My sister, Danielle, spent hours on my hair for the knot lol

Unity sand!

I couldn't even hold my bouquet since Joshua wanted to hold hands. I was gonna trip otherwise.

Can you tell which nail is photoshopped? I chipped my paint on the car ride over to the wedding site.

This is my all time fave. (My mom just told me she liked this one too, which makes me happy)

I love this one for his ribbons.

The next day was our reception -- which we were late to. But it all worked out. We had 90 RSVPs, only 40 showed up. I was sad, but who showed up was who mattered, so it worked out well. We got disposable cameras for pictures, but they need to get scanned and edited (a lot of really dark ones). But it was nice.

And next thing I know, it's August 6th, anniversary of Joshua shipping out to BMT, and he's leaving for South Korea. I was "fine." I was anxious for the goodbye. My heart was pounding and my stomach was lurching. I didn't feel sad until Brian walked away to cry, and then Sheri started crying. Empathy sucks. When Joshua hugged me goodbye, I was able to talk, unlike six months ago. I couldn't talk otherwise I would start crying. At least today I could talk!

Sadly, since there's been one missing Malaysian air liner and another being shot down, every time Sheri got a phone call, I had a mini panic attack. I'm not sure why, since I'm his emergency contact, but yeah... I was very anxious.

It's amazing what the military has done to my perspective. I was clingy, so very clingy. After BMT, I appreciated his presence, even a text, a whole lot more. After tech school, I realized I can only take so much talking on a phone before I start suggesting he call his mother. And after the first six months of Joshua's tour, I realize it does get easier.

The good bye is the hard part, waiting's easy.

Whose Life Is It?

First off: long time, no blog! Nothing really to blog about, really. Life is slow, uneventful, and I like that way. It means Joshua is safe, and nothing bad is happening with my wedding planning. So far, everything is lining up, but I'm holding my breath until I see Joshua in front of me. A little over sixty days left!

So the reason I'm blogging today is to state my mind on something that irks me. Today I was running errands with my sister and her two other bridesmaids (yes, my mom has to endure two weddings in one year, I don't know how she's managing!). We were heading to my reception hall so I could put money down, and we were casually chatting about it being a veteran's hall, and all the money goes to donations towards the non-profit that runs the hall (which ultimately go towards military vets).

It came up how it's been five months (I meant to say four, but my brain was fried from the heat) since I've seen Joshua, and one of the girls, A, looked shocked, like she couldn't fathom. She probably can't. I added it'll be six months when he comes home for leave. The other gal, L, said her man wanted to enlist and she shot it down SO fast. My sister and A agreed instantly, laughing, and chatted about how they would straight up refuse it, too.

So again, whose life is it? Whose career is it? With L, I can understand about their little girl who's under two. Children affect the decision. But the military would only make him stronger and more reliable, and a steady income for at least one enlistment. On top of schooling! He wants to become a better man for himself, as well as his family, and you tell him 'no' flat out. No consideration whatsoever?

Then inside the hall, my sister brought up how it annoyed her that you can't show PDA in uniform. REALLY? I told her that I hadn't seen him in two months [BMT grad] and understood. He upholds the United States military reputation in those uniforms. When I see him in uniform, I feel pride; not once did I feel stung and neglected because he was in his ABUs (Airman Battle Uniform) or his Dress Blues.

When we dropped off L and A, I told my sister what I thought about the comments on shooting it down. I stated it's their life, and if they want to enlist, they should. My sister pointed out that my relationship with Joshua from the get-go was founded on separation.

I second that, a few months into our relationship he moved 200mi away for school. But I saw him regularly, so at this point in my life, I don't even consider it anymore.

But then she added that separation wouldn't be good for L and A's relationships.

How would she know? How would any of them know? Do they not trust their men? If they're committed but having trust issues, there's a problem. If you feel like you two can't survive separation, is it meant to be? Especially if the separation is for such a good thing like the military?

But ultimately, do you truly have a good, healthy relationship if you cannot let them go for any length of time to better themselves? To prove something of himself, and to be a part of something bigger than himself?

It's a career choice. If you wanted to change majors and start from square one, but he told YOU no, how pissed would you be? And hurt? Aren't they supposed to support you in your life decisions, and help you along the way? With that being said, turn the tables around.

Aren't you supposed to support them in their life decisions? Hold them when they're down (or talk to them for 30 minutes while they cry in defeat), help them up and push them to do better? You'd want it done to you. A relationship is give and take, support and be supported. Do not shoot them down. You wouldn't want to be shot down so rudely.