Am I Ready?

Last night, Joshua asked me two questions his mother, Sheri, asked him. The way he said it "Here's food for thought." These questions are very valid questions, and after thinking about it, I decided to blog about them since they are very relevant to the blog.

Q1: Am I ready to be married? 
How do you answer this without knowing from experience? I'm only 20, almost 21, I've never been through a marriage before. People my age are partying, having fun, stressing over midterms and finals... I've never been that type of person. In high school, only one year was I off the path of "do homework, don't ditch, don't hang out with people." But that was due to stress, not willingness.

I don't think I'm not ready. I don't feel nervous or sad at the thought of marrying Joshua. But I also am not excited, yet. Nothing really says "we're getting married around June." I don't have a ring yet. I've looked at like, two dresses in Fulton Mall (a very cheap mall that half is closed down), and my aunt has decided to sew the bridesmaids dresses. But I don't feel like a fiancee yet. I think once the official proposal is done, and we start saying "We're getting married," to everyone, not just a couple of people, I'll feel that giddiness.

But how do I say I'm ready when I've never been married? Joshua and I have spent a lot of time together in the last two years, especially the last year, after he came back from his old college. We can spend a month together without separation, not having fights. If we do fight, we are so very quiet about it. We both sit there stewing until I decide to talk and try to get out of the fight (it always works). On top of this, I've never suffered a financial issue with Joshua. I don't know how the stress of "how will we pay bills" will affect Joshua and myself. But that's the only thing I can imagine would really stress us out. We've chatted about how we'll do chores, how we'll budget, etc.

Q2: What if I Can't Handle Military Life?
Again, how do I answer this without experience? I would like to think I could step up and be a military wife, enduring the stresses of deployment, and the fact I most likely won't know half the things Joshua is doing at work. If I was really unable to handle deployment, I think I would vacation to home and spend time with friends and family to distract from the anxieties. If I had kids, I don't know if it wasn't summer. I think I would try to hide my worries from the kids and try to get out of the shell and spend time with other military spouses.

The only things I can see myself stressing over, to the point I may not want to be a military wife: being away from the only city I've ever lived in, and deployment. But the question stands: what if I can't handle it? I always told Joshua I would follow him, because he would be my husband, and that's where his work would take him (like if he worked out of town since Fresno has 0 jobs). It just so happens, with his upcoming job, moving is part of the package. Separation for 4, 6, 8 or 12 months is a part of the job. I just have to suck it up and deal with it. After the first move and the first deployment, I think I'll be able to cope, knowing what to expect. But what if I can't? Then I deal with it. I'm not going to leave where my husband is just because I'm stressed. I'll take up therapy if it gets really bad. If I can't handle deployments, like I said before, I would vacation.

But I don't know yet, because I haven't been a military wife yet. That's what this blog is for: my experiences from becoming a girlfriend to a guy, to becoming a wife to an airman. My readers will see what exactly I go through. Joshua will see what I go through after BMT and he has access to internet again. This is one way I cope: I express myself via written word. I've already suffered some anxieties about BMT and deployment. But I haven't since talking about them with Joshua, and I'm glad. This is just a life I have to take day-to-day, and I'm not used to that.