What is the one fear every significant other has? Deployment. We all have, or will all have, the thought 'What if he doesn't come home?' When Joshua actually said "Yeah, I want to look into the Air Force," on Memorial Day last year, that was my first thought. Deployments. Worries, fears. Watching CNN and hearing that an Air Base was attacked and Airmen died, and wondering if it was Joshua. Or being a widow in my late 20s. In the matter of seconds, the fear washed over me, and he wasn't even enlisted yet. I wasn't even married to him yet (still not, but I digress).
So I can't even imagine those who are married, with young children, with Soldiers, Seamen, Marines and Airmen deployed, praying that their husbands and wives make it back home to them. But the fear is there for me, as it probably is in every significant other.
Mind you, it's not just us significant others worrying. Mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings, as well as aunts, uncles and cousins. Entire families worry about their loved ones who are deployed. The grim reality is we can lose them when they're protecting our freedoms. A brave, honorable way to die, but still, it is losing them.
We aren't at war, but we still have deployments in the Middle East. We still lose people, even though we aren't at war. So until every one of our Armed Forces are returned home to us, we wear red. It symbolizes the bloodshed. Until there is no more bloodshed, until they are back on American soil, in our arms, we wear red to remember all who are deployed.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
First Contact
We got our first letter on Wednesday from Joshua. It was fairly short, but it was from him. It was overall a neutral letter; he thanked his younger brother for making me a chocolate Advent Calendar chain. He told me to write as much as I wish, which was nice to know. I was worried I was writing too much and he wasn't able to read. But in his first letter, he was discouraged, and felt like he doesn't have it in him.
We know he has it in him, but he doesn't know it. I hate being 1600 miles away and all I can do is write down words of encouragement, wait about three days, and hope he has a chance to actually read and not skim my words of encouragement. I cannot hug him. I cannot kiss him. I cannot tell him over the phone. I feel utterly useless.
But, yesterday morning, I got a phone call from the area code 210. I was half asleep, and I knew it was Lackland before I realized it was Lackland. I jumped up and answered it quickly. There was a few second pause from when I said 'Hello?' to hear Joshua's voice. But it hurt to hear him. His voice was shaky, like he was near tears. He probably was. He got to call me due to stress, and was in the counselor's office.
I asked him several questions. "How are you?" "Do you have friends?" "What's a wingman?" "What would you be doing right now if you weren't at the counselor's office?" "Do you enjoy Chow?" We did have moments of pause, where I didn't know what to say. But by the end of the call, he sounded better. His voice wasn't shaky when we said goodbye -- mine was. It was the world's longest call, and it wasn't long enough. 36 minutes long. Which granted, Joshua and I aren't phone people, the longest call we had was an hour long about 3 1/2 years ago because he was stressed out about being away from home at DeVry, and his roommate kicked him out of their room to have sex.
During the call, I said "You must have been really stressed, this is a really long call." Because it was when compared to what I was expecting. I was expecting a five minute, brief call. But 36 whole minutes. I also asked he wanted to call his mom, but he didn't know the number off the top of his head. I was able to recite it to him (I just checked, I was right), but he said something. I don't remember, though.
I feel hopelessly useless. He does want more letters, and that I can do. So I'm going to write daily now. I want him to feel better. I want him to realize that even though he's not the fastest at running or push up/sit ups, he can do this. I told him to, even though it's obvious, to exercise at any free moment. That by week four, it will be easier. Next week will be medical stuff, like CPR. I think he'll enjoy it, since he's a caregiver. So does Sheri. Then week four is the obstacle course, and he'll hate it. But then preparing for BEAST week. He'll be over that hill, and be descending.
We know he has it in him, but he doesn't know it. I hate being 1600 miles away and all I can do is write down words of encouragement, wait about three days, and hope he has a chance to actually read and not skim my words of encouragement. I cannot hug him. I cannot kiss him. I cannot tell him over the phone. I feel utterly useless.
But, yesterday morning, I got a phone call from the area code 210. I was half asleep, and I knew it was Lackland before I realized it was Lackland. I jumped up and answered it quickly. There was a few second pause from when I said 'Hello?' to hear Joshua's voice. But it hurt to hear him. His voice was shaky, like he was near tears. He probably was. He got to call me due to stress, and was in the counselor's office.
I asked him several questions. "How are you?" "Do you have friends?" "What's a wingman?" "What would you be doing right now if you weren't at the counselor's office?" "Do you enjoy Chow?" We did have moments of pause, where I didn't know what to say. But by the end of the call, he sounded better. His voice wasn't shaky when we said goodbye -- mine was. It was the world's longest call, and it wasn't long enough. 36 minutes long. Which granted, Joshua and I aren't phone people, the longest call we had was an hour long about 3 1/2 years ago because he was stressed out about being away from home at DeVry, and his roommate kicked him out of their room to have sex.
During the call, I said "You must have been really stressed, this is a really long call." Because it was when compared to what I was expecting. I was expecting a five minute, brief call. But 36 whole minutes. I also asked he wanted to call his mom, but he didn't know the number off the top of his head. I was able to recite it to him (I just checked, I was right), but he said something. I don't remember, though.
I feel hopelessly useless. He does want more letters, and that I can do. So I'm going to write daily now. I want him to feel better. I want him to realize that even though he's not the fastest at running or push up/sit ups, he can do this. I told him to, even though it's obvious, to exercise at any free moment. That by week four, it will be easier. Next week will be medical stuff, like CPR. I think he'll enjoy it, since he's a caregiver. So does Sheri. Then week four is the obstacle course, and he'll hate it. But then preparing for BEAST week. He'll be over that hill, and be descending.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Jealousy Isn't Attractive
But here I am, jealous. It truly isn't an attractive quality, and logically I have no reason to be jealous. But, I am a girl. Girls have a tendency to be emotional; which isn't a bad thing, but it does cloud the logical side of anyone.
On this short-yet-already-feels-so-long journey that I've been on with my fiance training at BMT, I've had a few bouts of jealousy. All revolving around his mother, Sheri. I'm writing this blog post mostly for an epiphany for my emotions -- by the end of this ramble, I'll most likely have the answer. I'm wasting all my urge to write on this blog! I have two stories I want to write, one of them needs to be written due to our society's mindset. But I digress, here's my rant.
First, Joshua and I don't talk to each other via phone. We never have. We texted during the entire time of him waiting for his flights (since he had a layover in Dallas). So where does the jealousy reside in this scenario? Sheri got to talk to Joshua while he was in Dallas, which it was mostly for Joshua's youngest brother to talk to him, but still, she got to hear his voice.
The last time I heard his voice, he was monotonous and distant. No conversation, no chance to say how proud I was. Just a flat out 10 second sentence and he hung up. But she got to hear him as him, versus a very cold script. Same goes for her call with him with the address. It wasn't nearly as scripted, and she got to talk to him briefly. He was able to repeat himself. So I'm jealous of that.
Then there's his overall relationship with her. The only reason I'm jealous of it is because of how it feels to me. It feels like they make plans and I'm just supposed to smile and go along with the flow. But Joshua doesn't relay information; if I think they made plans I have to ask to confirm what's going on. Like, I didn't know there plans for what we were going to do in San Antonio. It's what Joshua wants, but I had no idea. It was something Sheri and he talked about and that was it.
I'm marrying him and it feels like I'm just along for the ride between him and his mom. It wouldn't bug me nearly as much if he just relayed the information to me lol. Logically, they don't see it that way. It's conversation to them, but he doesn't tell me anything; it puts me out of the loop and I feel dumb and insignificant (oh look, an epiphany as to why I feel this way!).
Finally, the first letter written to one of us. Knowing Joshua, it'll be two letters in one envelope, sent to his house. I didn't even think of this, but Sheri got an envelope with Joshua's handwriting on it (it was graduation information), but my stomach dropped. I knew it was the graduation stuff, since all of the moms on a Facebook page were commenting on it. But it was an eye opener of jealousy.
She'll get the envelope, she'll read hers first, and I have to wait to see mine. Thinking about it earlier made me get teary eyed. I don't even know why I'm jealous, I know he doesn't know my address off the top of his head. Perhaps it's the fact I have to share him lol. I've shared him for four years now, I don't know why this would be different.
Rant is done. Now I may seem petty. Hell, reading it over I think I'm petty. But I feel better after writing it out. And I know once him and I move in together, the feeling of me just going with the flow of his mom and him will no longer exist. His problem is that I'm not right there to tell so he forgets. So if he makes any plans, I'll be there to tell. For some reason, though, I see me being the one to plan everything (just to have it dropped due to military's tendency to have change of plans).
As for the envelope jealousy, I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I can't change it, and I wouldn't ask her not to read her letter first. She's known him for 22 years, I've known him for four. Mom trumps fiance, just the way it goes. I respect that. I just hate the feelings of jealousy. Though, writing it now, I don't feel jealous. Perhaps I just had to write it out.
On this short-yet-already-feels-so-long journey that I've been on with my fiance training at BMT, I've had a few bouts of jealousy. All revolving around his mother, Sheri. I'm writing this blog post mostly for an epiphany for my emotions -- by the end of this ramble, I'll most likely have the answer. I'm wasting all my urge to write on this blog! I have two stories I want to write, one of them needs to be written due to our society's mindset. But I digress, here's my rant.
First, Joshua and I don't talk to each other via phone. We never have. We texted during the entire time of him waiting for his flights (since he had a layover in Dallas). So where does the jealousy reside in this scenario? Sheri got to talk to Joshua while he was in Dallas, which it was mostly for Joshua's youngest brother to talk to him, but still, she got to hear his voice.
The last time I heard his voice, he was monotonous and distant. No conversation, no chance to say how proud I was. Just a flat out 10 second sentence and he hung up. But she got to hear him as him, versus a very cold script. Same goes for her call with him with the address. It wasn't nearly as scripted, and she got to talk to him briefly. He was able to repeat himself. So I'm jealous of that.
Then there's his overall relationship with her. The only reason I'm jealous of it is because of how it feels to me. It feels like they make plans and I'm just supposed to smile and go along with the flow. But Joshua doesn't relay information; if I think they made plans I have to ask to confirm what's going on. Like, I didn't know there plans for what we were going to do in San Antonio. It's what Joshua wants, but I had no idea. It was something Sheri and he talked about and that was it.
I'm marrying him and it feels like I'm just along for the ride between him and his mom. It wouldn't bug me nearly as much if he just relayed the information to me lol. Logically, they don't see it that way. It's conversation to them, but he doesn't tell me anything; it puts me out of the loop and I feel dumb and insignificant (oh look, an epiphany as to why I feel this way!).
Finally, the first letter written to one of us. Knowing Joshua, it'll be two letters in one envelope, sent to his house. I didn't even think of this, but Sheri got an envelope with Joshua's handwriting on it (it was graduation information), but my stomach dropped. I knew it was the graduation stuff, since all of the moms on a Facebook page were commenting on it. But it was an eye opener of jealousy.
She'll get the envelope, she'll read hers first, and I have to wait to see mine. Thinking about it earlier made me get teary eyed. I don't even know why I'm jealous, I know he doesn't know my address off the top of his head. Perhaps it's the fact I have to share him lol. I've shared him for four years now, I don't know why this would be different.
Rant is done. Now I may seem petty. Hell, reading it over I think I'm petty. But I feel better after writing it out. And I know once him and I move in together, the feeling of me just going with the flow of his mom and him will no longer exist. His problem is that I'm not right there to tell so he forgets. So if he makes any plans, I'll be there to tell. For some reason, though, I see me being the one to plan everything (just to have it dropped due to military's tendency to have change of plans).
As for the envelope jealousy, I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I can't change it, and I wouldn't ask her not to read her letter first. She's known him for 22 years, I've known him for four. Mom trumps fiance, just the way it goes. I respect that. I just hate the feelings of jealousy. Though, writing it now, I don't feel jealous. Perhaps I just had to write it out.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Hyper Awareness
So, because my life will soon revolve around the military, I've been splurging on Air Force information. There's a Chicken Soup book for military wives that I seriously want. I've liked at least 10 Military Significant Other/Air Force Facebook pages, as well. I have also watched about four hours worth of BMT videos, because before BMT, I knew what Joshua was doing by "Whatcha doing?" texts. Now I can't. So that's my coping mechanism.
Anyway, through these mediums, I've learned that Fridays are "Red Fridays," to remember everyone on deployment. So I'm going to wear red on Fridays, or try to (I only have one red shirt, maybe there are shirts out there with the 'Remember the Deployed' text or similar). I've also learned that every week, there are people dealing with what Sheri and I just went through: saying goodbye to a trainee for BMT. So I can be there for others, telling them it does get easier, or at least you don't cry every day.
Anyway, through these mediums, I've learned that Fridays are "Red Fridays," to remember everyone on deployment. So I'm going to wear red on Fridays, or try to (I only have one red shirt, maybe there are shirts out there with the 'Remember the Deployed' text or similar). I've also learned that every week, there are people dealing with what Sheri and I just went through: saying goodbye to a trainee for BMT. So I can be there for others, telling them it does get easier, or at least you don't cry every day.
This shirt is very accurate for Red Fridays. I think when I have money to spare, I'll buy it :)
I've also realized how hyper aware I am now of couples. I feel like I'm in high school, and everyone around me seemingly has a significant other, and I'm left out. Except I do have a significant other, he just so happens to be 1600 miles away, getting yelled, shooting guns, and learning how to fight in a war zone.
I first realized this hyper awareness at a play. Joshua's cousin, Shawn and his girlfriend, Haley were there, and cuddling and kissing in front of me. I don't expect them to not show affection, nor do I expect strangers to know my life. But God, it sucked. I looked up at the night sky a few times to not look at Shawn and Haley. I wasn't fighting tears, but I was sad.
I miss Joshua's presence. I miss doing those things. It's only been six days since he swore in. So I think it'll get easier, I won't cry, but those affections will definitely strike me in my heart. I am a girl, I'll feel jealous, but who doesn't feel jealous over anything? My jealousy lies with everyone being able to be with their significant other. At least it's not over something petty like materialistic things, I guess?
Blogging is a nice way to vent, so I'll blog. My next blog may be about when I get my first letter from Joshua, or call from him. Or perhaps I learn something new about the military typical civilians don't know (like Red Friday, I didn't know of that till I liked those Facebook pages). Or perhaps, the USAF Basic Military Training Facebook page will have pictures of BMT and I see Joshua. Nonetheless, I will find something to vent about, believe me.
I first realized this hyper awareness at a play. Joshua's cousin, Shawn and his girlfriend, Haley were there, and cuddling and kissing in front of me. I don't expect them to not show affection, nor do I expect strangers to know my life. But God, it sucked. I looked up at the night sky a few times to not look at Shawn and Haley. I wasn't fighting tears, but I was sad.
I miss Joshua's presence. I miss doing those things. It's only been six days since he swore in. So I think it'll get easier, I won't cry, but those affections will definitely strike me in my heart. I am a girl, I'll feel jealous, but who doesn't feel jealous over anything? My jealousy lies with everyone being able to be with their significant other. At least it's not over something petty like materialistic things, I guess?
Blogging is a nice way to vent, so I'll blog. My next blog may be about when I get my first letter from Joshua, or call from him. Or perhaps I learn something new about the military typical civilians don't know (like Red Friday, I didn't know of that till I liked those Facebook pages). Or perhaps, the USAF Basic Military Training Facebook page will have pictures of BMT and I see Joshua. Nonetheless, I will find something to vent about, believe me.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
It Comes in Waves
Overall, I'm getting better. The first night was hell. Yesterday I was about to talk about Joshua without any emotions, until something appeared that reminded me of him -- like video games. Him and I are gamers, and I played 99% of my games with him. Needless to say, I did not boot any games (even ones I didn't play with him, since I wanted him to play with me), nor songs. But I'm typically okay, and then a wave of emotions washes over me. I get teary eyed for a minute or so, until I can compose myself, and it passes.
So because of this, I was kind of in a daze. I'm antisocial to begin with, but I was just really in the blank state of mind. So my mom drags me along to a BBQ my aunt and uncle were having. So I'm sitting out in their backyard, not talking, occassionaly watching my second cousins splash in the pool. Overall, being extremely 'rude' according to my mom. Well, I'm sorry you took me out to socialize during Zero Week (the first week our trainees leave for BMT).
Facebook is an amazing thing. Thanks to Sheri, I have found a very informative and friendly Facebook community, Air Force Wing Moms. It's obviously meant for mothers, but anyone can join, and they have a great website. And Joshua and Sheri talked about it. But God, this is my biggest pet peeve with Joshua, he doesn't repeat anything. So Sheri is talking about 'Tapping Out' and 'Coin Ceremony,' and I'm sitting here like "What is this?" But I didn't say it. I just nodded and listened. So I'm catching up on reading that. I also didn't know what plans were made for while we were in San Antonio. Which it's what Joshua wants (what was decided, I mean), but I think I should at least know where we are going to. Which I know now, but I had to ask about a week before he left; these plans were made last month. Biggest. Pet. Peeve.
Back on topic, Tapping Out (tapping out?) is an interesting thing to do at the Trainees' graduation. A loved one will come up to their Airman, who is at parade rest, and tap them on their shoulder or hug them. This is so the Airmen are released orderly. But looking at pictures, it looks very emotional, and I can see myself crying. Honestly, at this point, I am sick of crying. Right now, I just get teary eyed, but damn these waves of sadness. Anyway, the Coin Ceremony is the ceremony where Trainees are no longer Trainees, they are officially Airmen of the United States Air Force. Super cool.
Also! I have Joshua's address! It's amazing how the idea of writing to him just lifted the veil of sadness off of me. It's a mouthful, but I am so happy to write to him. With this address, we can find out what squadron mascot he has, and want his motto is. His mascot is the Eagle, and his motto is "Second to none." I think this is SO cool. The Eagle is just cool because Air Force = flying, and Eagles fly. So it makes the most sense (versus Gators or Knights).
His name on the address is "AB Taylor, Joshua A," which means "Airman Basic, Joshua A Taylor." But just seeing it written out 'Airman Basic Taylor' just gets me smiling. I am so proud of him, and seeing it just shows how big this is. I think it's sinking in how major these two months are really affecting him and me. In two months, he is an Airman for at least six years (really, it depends how I feel; if I feel like I can't handle another enlistment, I doubt he would re-enlist). I would be an Airman's wife.
Last April, we didn't even know how we would pay loans or even when we would get married. In May, we went to a Memorial Day service, and that's when Sheri threw the idea by me, how I would feel if Joshua joined the Air Force. Him and I had discussed it before [joining the military], and he always said he couldn't see himself have the guts to do it, but seriously respected those who did join.
I remember walking to a grave (since the service was at a cemetary), and telling him what Sheri and I talked about. He really considered it. At this point, we were only boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was almost three years, I would follow him wherever life took him. That afternoon, we pulled up the Air Force's website and looked into it. Job security for six years. Money, income. We could actually move on with our life, rather than being in this limbo.
Here we are, a little over a year later, and it's actually happening. We are engaged, he's gone, becoming an Airman. And here I am, blogging about it (lol). So thinking back, knowing he was scared to join, but did it... He's brave. Braver than I would ever be. And that makes me proud to be marrying him. He really is my hero. Joshua was my rock when I needed him to be. He knows how to make me laugh, he holds me when I cry, and takes my shoes to be ornery.
Now it's my turn to be strong for him.
So because of this, I was kind of in a daze. I'm antisocial to begin with, but I was just really in the blank state of mind. So my mom drags me along to a BBQ my aunt and uncle were having. So I'm sitting out in their backyard, not talking, occassionaly watching my second cousins splash in the pool. Overall, being extremely 'rude' according to my mom. Well, I'm sorry you took me out to socialize during Zero Week (the first week our trainees leave for BMT).
Facebook is an amazing thing. Thanks to Sheri, I have found a very informative and friendly Facebook community, Air Force Wing Moms. It's obviously meant for mothers, but anyone can join, and they have a great website. And Joshua and Sheri talked about it. But God, this is my biggest pet peeve with Joshua, he doesn't repeat anything. So Sheri is talking about 'Tapping Out' and 'Coin Ceremony,' and I'm sitting here like "What is this?" But I didn't say it. I just nodded and listened. So I'm catching up on reading that. I also didn't know what plans were made for while we were in San Antonio. Which it's what Joshua wants (what was decided, I mean), but I think I should at least know where we are going to. Which I know now, but I had to ask about a week before he left; these plans were made last month. Biggest. Pet. Peeve.
Back on topic, Tapping Out (tapping out?) is an interesting thing to do at the Trainees' graduation. A loved one will come up to their Airman, who is at parade rest, and tap them on their shoulder or hug them. This is so the Airmen are released orderly. But looking at pictures, it looks very emotional, and I can see myself crying. Honestly, at this point, I am sick of crying. Right now, I just get teary eyed, but damn these waves of sadness. Anyway, the Coin Ceremony is the ceremony where Trainees are no longer Trainees, they are officially Airmen of the United States Air Force. Super cool.
Also! I have Joshua's address! It's amazing how the idea of writing to him just lifted the veil of sadness off of me. It's a mouthful, but I am so happy to write to him. With this address, we can find out what squadron mascot he has, and want his motto is. His mascot is the Eagle, and his motto is "Second to none." I think this is SO cool. The Eagle is just cool because Air Force = flying, and Eagles fly. So it makes the most sense (versus Gators or Knights).
His name on the address is "AB Taylor, Joshua A," which means "Airman Basic, Joshua A Taylor." But just seeing it written out 'Airman Basic Taylor' just gets me smiling. I am so proud of him, and seeing it just shows how big this is. I think it's sinking in how major these two months are really affecting him and me. In two months, he is an Airman for at least six years (really, it depends how I feel; if I feel like I can't handle another enlistment, I doubt he would re-enlist). I would be an Airman's wife.
Last April, we didn't even know how we would pay loans or even when we would get married. In May, we went to a Memorial Day service, and that's when Sheri threw the idea by me, how I would feel if Joshua joined the Air Force. Him and I had discussed it before [joining the military], and he always said he couldn't see himself have the guts to do it, but seriously respected those who did join.
I remember walking to a grave (since the service was at a cemetary), and telling him what Sheri and I talked about. He really considered it. At this point, we were only boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was almost three years, I would follow him wherever life took him. That afternoon, we pulled up the Air Force's website and looked into it. Job security for six years. Money, income. We could actually move on with our life, rather than being in this limbo.
Here we are, a little over a year later, and it's actually happening. We are engaged, he's gone, becoming an Airman. And here I am, blogging about it (lol). So thinking back, knowing he was scared to join, but did it... He's brave. Braver than I would ever be. And that makes me proud to be marrying him. He really is my hero. Joshua was my rock when I needed him to be. He knows how to make me laugh, he holds me when I cry, and takes my shoes to be ornery.
Now it's my turn to be strong for him.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
It'll All Be Fine in October
So today was the day Joshua has been working for since Memorial Day of last year: he swore into the Air Force and left for Basic Military Training (from now on, BMT).
Originally, Sheri, his mom, was going to work yesterday, to keep her mind off of Joshua leaving. Brian, his dad, and I were going to drop Joshua off at the recruiter and that was that; we weren't going to see him swear in. But over the weekend, Sheri had a "moment." It was hitting her how big this really was. I had a similar "moment" a few days prior; it resulted in a good cry.
Monday morning she called in sick. We were going to see Joshua swear in. Sunday night, however, was very difficult for me personally. First, empathy simply sucks. Every time Sheri cried, I fought tears. Then, Joshua shaved his mustache. I knew it would affect me, but wow... It really affected me. I really had to fight crying. In our four years together, not once did he not have a mustache. And in two strokes of an electric razor, it was gone. It made him look a lot younger, and a lot more like his genetic contributor and younger half brother.
Then the "talk." We stayed up until about 1am Sunday (er, Monday?) talking. Well, mostly I was sitting there waiting for Joshua to gain composure. "It's our last night together." Which all we did was talk until we felt ready for sleep. He had also decided to leave his wedding ring with me, since he didn't want something to differentiate him from other trainees -- which is understandable. But my God it was a tear-jerker, sappy comment. "Keep this ring for me, and when you're sad, I'll be with you symbolically." Even now that brings tears to my eyes.
But I didn't cry. I wanted to be supportive, instead of being supported. Joshua is very much a caregiver, and that's perfectly fine on a normal day. But this was his turn to be supported.
Monday we drove up after dropping him off. We spent time with him in our hotel room (a block away and half the price of the hotel MEPS uses), and had dinner with him. Then after his 8:30pm meeting, we walked over and spent the last hour together with him in the lobby of his hotel. It was hard leaving him. He was anxious and not feeling good to his stomach.
Today, Tuesday, we woke up early and headed out to the MEPS station. My stomach was in knots, worried for Joshua. We sat in the waiting area for recruits (waiting for the family waiting area to be cleaned). We saw Joshua walk by twice. God he was focused. He did not deter from his path, and it was humorous. Thinking back, it could have been a good distraction for him from his stomach.
Finally, Joshua was able to sit with us. He did not feel good, or look good for that matter. He couldn't sit still, he was pale, and he felt nauseous. All from nerves, but he looked sick. A tear fell from him, too. It was extremely hard -- but I did not want to cry. Not in front of him. I was extremely quiet, because I knew if I spoke at times, I would cry. He knew it too, but I didn't cry.
Around 9:30am, he went into a room with other trainees being sworn in, I assume a briefing, and we could see him pacing because he felt better moving. At last, it was time for the swearing. A funny Army guy was killing time, waiting for the woman who would swear in the (I think) thirteen Navy and Air Force trainees. The woman, also Army, came in to swear them in. It was hard, but Joshua didn't look sick to his stomach. It was actually cool to see him standing firm.
After the swearing, we could take pictures. These are my favorite pictures (in favorite-to-least favorite order):
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We had about another hour with him before the shuttle came to get him. Kissing him 'goodbye' was hard. It took all my strength to not cry as we got our IDs back from MEPS. But as soon as Sheri and I walked out of the door (Joshua in the shuttle), we cried. It was fairly short, but I finally cried.
About 10 minutes later I got a text: "I love you. It'll all be fine in October."
I replied "God why did you send that, I just got done crying." We had three hours to text, it was nice. He texted when he had a lay over in Dallas.
The last event of the night, the scripted call. I was to recieve this call, and Sheri will recieve the call with the address to mail to him. I knew it was scripted. I knew it caught people off guard. But I didn't think it would really catch me off guard, since I was aware it was a script. It seriously did. I said 'Hello?' and in was a rushed sentence. No pauses. "I'm here, I made it, I love you, good bye." I managed to say "I love you, too." I couldn't even say 'Good bye.' Nor did he wait. When the call ended I just started bawling. My sister was hugging me, which was nice. My mom did too. Afterwards, my sister's fiance hugged me as well.
Out of all of this, I am proud I am engaged to Joshua (well, I was proud of him either way, but this is a major step). I'm proud of myself for not crying in front of him. October needs to come here fast, I miss him already.
Originally, Sheri, his mom, was going to work yesterday, to keep her mind off of Joshua leaving. Brian, his dad, and I were going to drop Joshua off at the recruiter and that was that; we weren't going to see him swear in. But over the weekend, Sheri had a "moment." It was hitting her how big this really was. I had a similar "moment" a few days prior; it resulted in a good cry.
Monday morning she called in sick. We were going to see Joshua swear in. Sunday night, however, was very difficult for me personally. First, empathy simply sucks. Every time Sheri cried, I fought tears. Then, Joshua shaved his mustache. I knew it would affect me, but wow... It really affected me. I really had to fight crying. In our four years together, not once did he not have a mustache. And in two strokes of an electric razor, it was gone. It made him look a lot younger, and a lot more like his genetic contributor and younger half brother.
Then the "talk." We stayed up until about 1am Sunday (er, Monday?) talking. Well, mostly I was sitting there waiting for Joshua to gain composure. "It's our last night together." Which all we did was talk until we felt ready for sleep. He had also decided to leave his wedding ring with me, since he didn't want something to differentiate him from other trainees -- which is understandable. But my God it was a tear-jerker, sappy comment. "Keep this ring for me, and when you're sad, I'll be with you symbolically." Even now that brings tears to my eyes.
But I didn't cry. I wanted to be supportive, instead of being supported. Joshua is very much a caregiver, and that's perfectly fine on a normal day. But this was his turn to be supported.
Monday we drove up after dropping him off. We spent time with him in our hotel room (a block away and half the price of the hotel MEPS uses), and had dinner with him. Then after his 8:30pm meeting, we walked over and spent the last hour together with him in the lobby of his hotel. It was hard leaving him. He was anxious and not feeling good to his stomach.
Today, Tuesday, we woke up early and headed out to the MEPS station. My stomach was in knots, worried for Joshua. We sat in the waiting area for recruits (waiting for the family waiting area to be cleaned). We saw Joshua walk by twice. God he was focused. He did not deter from his path, and it was humorous. Thinking back, it could have been a good distraction for him from his stomach.
Finally, Joshua was able to sit with us. He did not feel good, or look good for that matter. He couldn't sit still, he was pale, and he felt nauseous. All from nerves, but he looked sick. A tear fell from him, too. It was extremely hard -- but I did not want to cry. Not in front of him. I was extremely quiet, because I knew if I spoke at times, I would cry. He knew it too, but I didn't cry.
Around 9:30am, he went into a room with other trainees being sworn in, I assume a briefing, and we could see him pacing because he felt better moving. At last, it was time for the swearing. A funny Army guy was killing time, waiting for the woman who would swear in the (I think) thirteen Navy and Air Force trainees. The woman, also Army, came in to swear them in. It was hard, but Joshua didn't look sick to his stomach. It was actually cool to see him standing firm.
After the swearing, we could take pictures. These are my favorite pictures (in favorite-to-least favorite order):
He looks so proud. And different without that mustache. I miss it lol.
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Him standing next to the Air Force flag.
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Him and Me, next to the flag. I look like shit. Thus it's my least favorite of the three.
About 10 minutes later I got a text: "I love you. It'll all be fine in October."
I replied "God why did you send that, I just got done crying." We had three hours to text, it was nice. He texted when he had a lay over in Dallas.
The last event of the night, the scripted call. I was to recieve this call, and Sheri will recieve the call with the address to mail to him. I knew it was scripted. I knew it caught people off guard. But I didn't think it would really catch me off guard, since I was aware it was a script. It seriously did. I said 'Hello?' and in was a rushed sentence. No pauses. "I'm here, I made it, I love you, good bye." I managed to say "I love you, too." I couldn't even say 'Good bye.' Nor did he wait. When the call ended I just started bawling. My sister was hugging me, which was nice. My mom did too. Afterwards, my sister's fiance hugged me as well.
Out of all of this, I am proud I am engaged to Joshua (well, I was proud of him either way, but this is a major step). I'm proud of myself for not crying in front of him. October needs to come here fast, I miss him already.
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