But here I am, jealous. It truly isn't an attractive quality, and logically I have no reason to be jealous. But, I am a girl. Girls have a tendency to be emotional; which isn't a bad thing, but it does cloud the logical side of anyone.
On this short-yet-already-feels-so-long journey that I've been on with my fiance training at BMT, I've had a few bouts of jealousy. All revolving around his mother, Sheri. I'm writing this blog post mostly for an epiphany for my emotions -- by the end of this ramble, I'll most likely have the answer. I'm wasting all my urge to write on this blog! I have two stories I want to write, one of them needs to be written due to our society's mindset. But I digress, here's my rant.
First, Joshua and I don't talk to each other via phone. We never have. We texted during the entire time of him waiting for his flights (since he had a layover in Dallas). So where does the jealousy reside in this scenario? Sheri got to talk to Joshua while he was in Dallas, which it was mostly for Joshua's youngest brother to talk to him, but still, she got to hear his voice.
The last time I heard his voice, he was monotonous and distant. No conversation, no chance to say how proud I was. Just a flat out 10 second sentence and he hung up. But she got to hear him as him, versus a very cold script. Same goes for her call with him with the address. It wasn't nearly as scripted, and she got to talk to him briefly. He was able to repeat himself. So I'm jealous of that.
Then there's his overall relationship with her. The only reason I'm jealous of it is because of how it feels to me. It feels like they make plans and I'm just supposed to smile and go along with the flow. But Joshua doesn't relay information; if I think they made plans I have to ask to confirm what's going on. Like, I didn't know there plans for what we were going to do in San Antonio. It's what Joshua wants, but I had no idea. It was something Sheri and he talked about and that was it.
I'm marrying him and it feels like I'm just along for the ride between him and his mom. It wouldn't bug me nearly as much if he just relayed the information to me lol. Logically, they don't see it that way. It's conversation to them, but he doesn't tell me anything; it puts me out of the loop and I feel dumb and insignificant (oh look, an epiphany as to why I feel this way!).
Finally, the first letter written to one of us. Knowing Joshua, it'll be two letters in one envelope, sent to his house. I didn't even think of this, but Sheri got an envelope with Joshua's handwriting on it (it was graduation information), but my stomach dropped. I knew it was the graduation stuff, since all of the moms on a Facebook page were commenting on it. But it was an eye opener of jealousy.
She'll get the envelope, she'll read hers first, and I have to wait to see mine. Thinking about it earlier made me get teary eyed. I don't even know why I'm jealous, I know he doesn't know my address off the top of his head. Perhaps it's the fact I have to share him lol. I've shared him for four years now, I don't know why this would be different.
Rant is done. Now I may seem petty. Hell, reading it over I think I'm petty. But I feel better after writing it out. And I know once him and I move in together, the feeling of me just going with the flow of his mom and him will no longer exist. His problem is that I'm not right there to tell so he forgets. So if he makes any plans, I'll be there to tell. For some reason, though, I see me being the one to plan everything (just to have it dropped due to military's tendency to have change of plans).
As for the envelope jealousy, I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I can't change it, and I wouldn't ask her not to read her letter first. She's known him for 22 years, I've known him for four. Mom trumps fiance, just the way it goes. I respect that. I just hate the feelings of jealousy. Though, writing it now, I don't feel jealous. Perhaps I just had to write it out.
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