"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

That quote I see at least once a day from one of the many, many milso (military significant other) pages I follow on Facebook. You don't know strength until you have to be strong.

I never thought I would have to spend a day away from my future husband, but then military became an option. I wouldn't change it, the Air Force fits Joshua. I wouldn't change the fact that I stayed by his side, encouraging him to do what he saw fit. When you love someone, you encourage them and stick with them in the toughest of times, and the best of times (isn't it in the vows, at least?).

I kissed him goodbye, unsure of what the next few months held for him, and for us. I faced BMT (basic military training). Two months of little to no communication. I wrote him daily. I consoled him over the phone when he called, breaking down during the first couple weeks of BMT. I hugged him when he was given the amazing honor to call himself an Airman. I kissed him goodbye, again.

Tech school was easier, we talked more regularly, almost as regular as when he was a college student. But then he called me and told me his orders: South Korea for a year, unaccompanied. I fought tears, my voice shook, but I did not cry. I did not leave him. I processed it; it took Joshua a couple of weeks to process it himself. He had more sacrifices to make than I did. I just don't get to see Joshua. He doesn't get to see me or his family for about seven months (mid-tour leave in July). He misses birthdays, our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and holidays. But he's accepted it now, and I do too. And after South Korea, we can be together, in England.

And this is just the beginning. There'll be training and deployments we will face, as well. But as the quote says, we are strong enough to live it, this life of separation and sacrifice. Because at the end of the day, after all the tears have fallen and the goodbyes have been said, we still love each other. And we love each more than ever because of the military. You never know how much you love someone until you can't wake up next to them, or hold their hand. But then there's the homecoming kisses, where it'll feel like the first kiss all over again.

A New Perspective

It's amazing how perspectives change.

For example, I've always respected our troops. It takes courage, I know that. But songs like American Soldier by Toby Keith show that I have a whole new perspective. The man I love will be deployed some day. He's no soldier, but he's still a military man. When I first heard the song after he left (I've known the song for a few years), it rang closer to home than ever. And Joshua hasn't even been in that long. My perspective's changed.

Another perspective that's changed for me is separation. When we first started dating, he had already picked a college, and knew where he was going to be in a year (start local and then transfer to a bigger campus with his actual major). Well, it happened a lot sooner, like in his second semester. I was 17, young and immature. Hell, I'm still young and immature in things. But I digress. I clung to him after only a week of him being gone. A week!

I find myself now saying tech school is only two months long. I survived BMT, where I had no real communication with him. I wrote him daily, but he had no time to write me until towards the end. I only got three calls from him. One was early on when he was near his breaking point. The other two were in week 7 (I'm not including the week 4 call because that one I handed over to his dad to talk to him). But other than that, I didn't know if he was okay, how he was doing. No news is good news. I had to tell myself, and a lot of mothers, that. Because it was true. If they're not calling home, there was no reason to. They didn't get hurt, or recycled.

I also find myself, after processing his orders, thinking, "I'll see Joshua in six months after he leaves, which is only four months longer than tech school." Because it's true. It's only four months longer. If I break up his orders like this, it's much more endurable than thinking "One more year I don't get to be with him." That's not healthy for me.

It's going to be hard, with him being 16 hours ahead of me, but there are windows where we'll both be up and able to talk. There's Facebook, and Skype. On top of that, there's our phones (which we just upgraded to smartphones [still really old though]). Our communication will be strained, but if we try hard, we can still talk daily, or even every other day. A lot better than BMT, but not as good as tech school, where he's only two hours ahead of me.

So I have a new perspective on things like separation and respect for our troops.

Joshua and I have both realized how much we took for granted when he was a civilian. We could fall asleep next to each other, and hold hands. Now we wake up wishing the other was next to us; when it's cold we miss each other because we can't cuddle. He sees women in civilian clothes and misses me. I miss being able to sit next to him and be comforted when I'm in pain (at this point, quite frequently due to my darn tooth).

I find myself easily jealous of couples. Even the few I know who are separated right now. One couple because they're still in the same State. Same time zone, it makes things a lot easier. It's petty, but I'm jealous. The separation has given us a new perspective. I get annoyed at my sister and her fiance, too. He went to help his aunt for a night, and she was SO sad. It's a night! One night!

But I also know they haven't had to experience the separation Joshua and I have had to face, and are going to continue to face. It's making our relationship stronger, not weaker. I have found a new appreciation for his presence, and I think a lot of couples need that. To face those cold nights alone, or to not talk to their significant other for about a week. It definitely enlightens you.

Orders

So Joshua found out this week what his orders are for after tech school. South Korea. South Korea is an unaccompanied tour, so I wouldn't be able to go with him. He'll be there for about a year, but I cannot discuss dates (I don't even know the dates right now) due to OPSEC.

OPSEC is Operations Security, and it's just that, security. If Joshua were deployed, I wouldn't be able to say how long he was gone, or when he's coming back. It puts him and his squadron, along with any other troops that may be where he is, at jeopardy. I'm not 100% if I can say where he is during deployment. But because this is a duty station, it's okay for me to say where he will be going.

But a year without Joshua. We're already at four months separated. It'll be 2015 before I could possibly be with him. I don't think he'll have another unaccompanied tour right after this one, but you never know. I know I didn't expect unaccompanied right off the bat, but here we are, looking face-to-face with even more separation.

At first, I was devastated. I didn't cry, but I got close several times. My mom kept telling me she was sorry. Sorry for what? She did nothing wrong. All she was doing wrong was that she kept bringing it back up. I didn't want to talk right then about it, or how I felt. I was amazed I was able to keep the conversation up with Joshua until we got off the phone so he could call his mom and tell her.

The first couple of days I was numb, and in a daze. And jealous of civilian couples, like early in the BMT separation. But this jealousy was so much worse. I was REALLY jealous. I have a couple of Facebook friends who are separated from their SOs (they're all civilian), but at least they're in the same country! Joshua will be 16 hours ahead of me. After Christmas, I won't see him again in front of me until at least July, when he can take leave.

Yesterday, and for the majority of this damn tour, I feel better. I'm excited for him for seeing the world. Nervous, however, because it IS South Korea. South Korea has no problems with the U.S.A., the proof being we have an air base over there, but North Korea is, uh, right there, north of where Joshua will be. But I don't feel sad or numb anymore. I will after the next goodbye Joshua and I will have, but this is my life as a milso.

This is what I'm going to do for Joshua's tour. This is a deployment DIY idea, but I'm using it for the tour. I look forward to decorating the vases!

He's My Airman

So last night, Joshua's family, my mom and I got back from visiting Joshua. He's an Airman! He has his coin and rank! E-3, Airman First Class Joshua A. Taylor! I am so proud! This blogpost will mostly be pictures, but he did it!

So the way it works: 8.5 weeks of basic military training. In the last week, Joshua graduates. Thursday he did the Airman's Coin Ceremony. That's where the M.T.Is (Military Training Instructors) pass out the Airmen's first challenge coin, signifying they met requirements and completed the Air Force BMT. It's a really awesome ceremony. Once they have that coin, their title changes from Trainee to Airman. They then say the Airman's Creed, and then we can tap them out.

I teared up hearing the Creed. But it's so awesome and chilling at the same time. It's weird to describe. We went down to tap Joshua out, and I fully expected Sheri and I to share the experience, since Joshua didn't have a tap out on Friday. Tapping out is just hugging them when they're at Parade Rest. They have to look straight ahead until you hug them. When I saw Joshua, I just said "Oh, wow." Sheri told me it was okay, and I hugged him. We all hugged him. Joshua and Sheri were crying. I choked up, but no tears.

I love how he looks in ABUs. I was just in shock he was in front of me.

One thing that BMT changed in Joshua was his lack of social skills. One of BMT's goals is to make the trainees become dependent on each other. And after 8 weeks dealing with people, you learn to lean on them and become close. Your flight becomes your second family. Your wingmen fully understand what you went through. I will never fully grasp what Joshua went through, but his friends do. 

Joshua bought me a teddy bear. More like I said "I want this," and made him pay for it, but it was his money... I'm starting a teddy bear collection lol.

Friday was the Parade Ceremony. It's all formality, but they march past us in their Blues. Joshua's flight and his sister flight carried the flags. He's the middle guy you can see. He carried Georgia's flag. You can't tell in this picture, but they have their ranks sewn onto their shirts too. Joshua has 2 stripes, signifying he's E-3. No stripes, like the two men you see here, mean they are still E-1.

After the Parade, we got a tour of Joshua's dorm and then we headed back to the hotel. Joshua and I had like 45 minutes alone, which we just talked and enjoyed each other's presence. It was nice. We then went to a buffet with a museum, so Joshua could stay out later.

My future: standing next to Joshua as he socializes. Him and his flight mate are listening intently as a retiring Air Force member chats them up. 

Saturday we went to Sea World. It was supposed to be an all day thing, but poor Joshua had EC duty the night before for the baby flight and was really tired. I had to keep touching his elbow to keep him awake during a show. But when we got to Sea World, Joshua had strings on his uniform. No strings allowed, so he had to clip them. But with what? Thankfully, Sea World knew.

Joshua, like I said, is extremely social now. He went up to a group of his flight mates (and one sister flight member) to start chatting them up.

I didn't get any pictures on Sunday. It was on base, and we just went back and forth from the mini BX to the main BX (Lackland's mini malls). But he looked amazing in his Blues jacket. And church was awesome. I totally get why trainees enjoy it. The chaplain was upbeat. The music was upbeat. They could sing and laugh. Trainees really need that in BMT.

The goodbye for me wasn't hard. Right now, I'm texting Joshua. I am TEXTING him. I so missed that. I endured 8.5 weeks with little contact. This next step will be loads easier. I can't express how proud I am of him. The Air Force is picky, and he did it. He really did it.

I will be that wife who cries at the national anthem for pride. Congratulations to every new Airman! May your journeys take you to amazing places, and your lives be fulfilled! 

Seven Days Left

Seven days from today I will witness my fiance become an Airman. He will no longer sign his name as AB [Airman Basic] Joshua A Taylor, it'll be A1C [Airman First Class] Joshua A Taylor. He will be a United States Airman, instead of trainee. There's no way I could fully say how proud I am to be marrying him.

I wasn't sure if I was going to blog today, or when the day before I see him, or after I say goodbye to him again. Because of getting mail from Joshua today, I've decided all three.

Last week I was a little worried about Joshua passing his PT, since he was struggling in WOT4. This week, I wasn't worried at all. He could only get better, and the Air Force puts a lot of money into their trainees (I read somewhere about $60k per trainee), so they REALLY don't want people to fail. Sheri was worried, though. I got two letters today, one was pure sap with some good information. The information being he got green belt (passed running requirements) and only needed 3 more push-ups. Nothing about sit-ups so I assume he passed that already. But Sheri and I are no longer worried.

I had to stop reading a few times due to emotions. I first stopped reading at "Dear Neurotic Lady Who Stole My Heart." I just stopped and waited to calm down. I didn't want to cry, I didn't cry, but if I had continued right then I very well might have. Then immediately after "Give it back? Bah, keep it. I love you." I stopped again. It's like he wants to make me cry! In one of his many P.S.'s, he added "I love you!" again. He ended the letter with "Goodnight, beautiful."

The second letter didn't have as much sap, but he was excited because he is so close to being done. I got my two questionnaires back, and he teased me in one of them. In our relationship, we don't call each other 'babe' or 'baby.' We just say 'love.' He does go "Okay dear," if I'm nagging him about something. But over the course of his BMT, mentally I think 'babe' about him. Like if I imagine talking to him, I call him 'babe.' I told him this. So in one of my questionnaires, I said "I love you! I ran out of questions lol."

"I love you too... 'Babe.' " I just stopped reading right there and blushed. I had forgotten that I told him that. I was embarrassed. I've been with him for four years, and he embarrassed me. Gah! Distance is a funny thing.

But I am just so excited. This next week will be slow. But yesterday was a busy day for me. I went to get my hair done (aka trimmed and got some red hair gloss that makes my hair look red in the sunlight), and then went to David's Bridal with Sheri and my mom. I picked a wedding dress. I have a wedding dress! It feels like we're getting married. Still not 100% on the date. March-ish. Depends on when he can get leave. Hoping on Spring Break so Brian doesn't get crap from his work (he's a teacher).

But yeah! Expect another blog post in 6 days!

Suicide Prevention

Today is Suicide Prevention Day. I find it chilling that it is a day before September 11th, a day in American history where nearly 3,000 people died due to a terrorist attack. Families suffered, spouses became widows. Children lost a parent. Parents lost a child. Depression can take hold.

Know the signs. Know that if you see a cut on an arm, that it's not just their business. It is yours, it is their family's. Do not think someone else will say something. Speak up. Help them. Hold them when they need to be held. Talk to them. Encourage them. Help them find hope and light in their dark world, because at that moment, all they truly see is darkness.

Everyone needs help at one point. Everyone needs that little boost of confidence, or that one person who will be there for them. Be that person; when you see someone crying, do not judge them for crying. Wonder why they are crying, and ask them if they're okay -- which they aren't even if they say they are.

Be patient, because that is the biggest part. If you push, they'll push back. Do not give up on them, even if they scream at you. Depression isn't just sadness. It's anger and irritability. Once you know that, just be patient. Don't push as hard, just be there for them. When they look sad, try cheering them up.

If you don't think you are strong enough to help someone, reach out. Go to a counselor, or their parents. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, and at living. If you see someone self-harming, or hear someone say a chilling statement along the lines of 'I should just end it all,' find someone. Those are signs that they need someone to hear them when they scream.

My best friend attempted suicide multiple times. He's drank bleach, he's bashed his head into a cement wall, and he has OD'd on ADHD pills (if you don't know, ADHD medication is like speed to someone who doesn't have ADHD).

His parents divorced, he came out as a gay high schooler, and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. So he was suffering the separation of the his family. He was suffering from his dad fully not accepting him because he is an Evangelical Christian, and the onslaught of bullying that comes with being different. And then to top it off, he discovered he has Bipolar Disorder.

His world was dark, so very dark. But I was there. I listened to him, hugged him when he needed a hug. I heard his cries. Even when I was hundreds of miles away, I saved his life. He told me one fateful day, the day before Easter, that he had OD'd on his ADHD meds. His parents couldn't do anything, I don't even remember why at this point.

I wasn't even in the same town as him. My best friend just OD'd, and no one could help him? I called my mom, and told her. She picked my best friend, and watched him diligently that night. She made sure he didn't sleep, made him drink milk. The next morning, Easter, I got a call from him. He was wired, to say the least. He was talking so fast, faster than I think he could think, but he was talking to me. Laughing, too.

Today he has a great fiance, they live together in a nearby small town. He's happy. He wouldn't have met his fiance if he had died. He wouldn't have a great life to look forward to.

Today is Suicide Prevention Day, and know the signs. Don't ignore their silent cries that show form in burns or cuts. Speak up and help them. Today could be the day that, when they go home, it'll be the last time they go home. They won't wake up again. You won't see their smile anymore.

Save a life.

Red Fridays

What is the one fear every significant other has? Deployment. We all have, or will all have, the thought 'What if he doesn't come home?' When Joshua actually said "Yeah, I want to look into the Air Force," on Memorial Day last year, that was my first thought. Deployments. Worries, fears. Watching CNN and hearing that an Air Base was attacked and Airmen died, and wondering if it was Joshua. Or being a widow in my late 20s. In the matter of seconds, the fear washed over me, and he wasn't even enlisted yet. I wasn't even married to him yet (still not, but I digress).

So I can't even imagine those who are married, with young children, with Soldiers, Seamen, Marines and Airmen deployed, praying that their husbands and wives make it back home to them. But the fear is there for me, as it probably is in every significant other.

Mind you, it's not just us significant others worrying. Mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings, as well as aunts, uncles and cousins. Entire families worry about their loved ones who are deployed. The grim reality is we can lose them when they're protecting our freedoms. A brave, honorable way to die, but still, it is losing them.

We aren't at war, but we still have deployments in the Middle East. We still lose people, even though we aren't at war. So until every one of our Armed Forces are returned home to us, we wear red. It symbolizes the bloodshed. Until there is no more bloodshed, until they are back on American soil, in our arms, we wear red to remember all who are deployed.

First Contact

We got our first letter on Wednesday from Joshua. It was fairly short, but it was from him. It was overall a neutral letter; he thanked his younger brother for making me a chocolate Advent Calendar chain. He told me to write as much as I wish, which was nice to know. I was worried I was writing too much and he wasn't able to read. But in his first letter, he was discouraged, and felt like he doesn't have it in him.

We know he has it in him, but he doesn't know it. I hate being 1600 miles away and all I can do is write down words of encouragement, wait about three days, and hope he has a chance to actually read and not skim my words of encouragement. I cannot hug him. I cannot kiss him. I cannot tell him over the phone. I feel utterly useless.

But, yesterday morning, I got a phone call from the area code 210. I was half asleep, and I knew it was Lackland before I realized it was Lackland. I jumped up and answered it quickly. There was a few second pause from when I said 'Hello?' to hear Joshua's voice. But it hurt to hear him. His voice was shaky, like he was near tears. He probably was. He got to call me due to stress, and was in the counselor's office.

I asked him several questions. "How are you?" "Do you have friends?" "What's a wingman?" "What would you be doing right now if you weren't at the counselor's office?" "Do you enjoy Chow?" We did have moments of pause, where I didn't know what to say. But by the end of the call, he sounded better. His voice wasn't shaky when we said goodbye -- mine was. It was the world's longest call, and it wasn't long enough. 36 minutes long. Which granted, Joshua and I aren't phone people, the longest call we had was an hour long about 3 1/2 years ago because he was stressed out about being away from home at DeVry, and his roommate kicked him out of their room to have sex.

During the call, I said "You must have been really stressed, this is a really long call." Because it was when compared to what I was expecting. I was expecting a five minute, brief call. But 36 whole minutes. I also asked he wanted to call his mom, but he didn't know the number off the top of his head. I was able to recite it to him (I just checked, I was right), but he said something. I don't remember, though.

I feel hopelessly useless. He does want more letters, and that I can do. So I'm going to write daily now. I want him to feel better. I want him to realize that even though he's not the fastest at running or push up/sit ups, he can do this. I told him to, even though it's obvious, to exercise at any free moment. That by week four, it will be easier. Next week will be medical stuff, like CPR. I think he'll enjoy it, since he's a caregiver. So does Sheri. Then week four is the obstacle course, and he'll hate it. But then preparing for BEAST week. He'll be over that hill, and be descending.

Jealousy Isn't Attractive

But here I am, jealous. It truly isn't an attractive quality, and logically I have no reason to be jealous. But, I am a girl. Girls have a tendency to be emotional; which isn't a bad thing, but it does cloud the logical side of anyone.

On this short-yet-already-feels-so-long journey that I've been on with my fiance training at BMT, I've had a few bouts of jealousy. All revolving around his mother, Sheri. I'm writing this blog post mostly for an epiphany for my emotions -- by the end of this ramble, I'll most likely have the answer. I'm wasting all my urge to write on this blog! I have two stories I want to write, one of them needs to be written due to our society's mindset. But I digress, here's my rant.

First, Joshua and I don't talk to each other via phone. We never have. We texted during the entire time of him waiting for his flights (since he had a layover in Dallas). So where does the jealousy reside in this scenario? Sheri got to talk to Joshua while he was in Dallas, which it was mostly for Joshua's youngest brother to talk to him, but still, she got to hear his voice. 

The last time I heard his voice, he was monotonous and distant. No conversation, no chance to say how proud I was. Just a flat out 10 second sentence and he hung up. But she got to hear him as him, versus a very cold script. Same goes for her call with him with the address. It wasn't nearly as scripted, and she got to talk to him briefly. He was able to repeat himself. So I'm jealous of that.

Then there's his overall relationship with her. The only reason I'm jealous of it is because of how it feels to me. It feels like they make plans and I'm just supposed to smile and go along with the flow. But Joshua doesn't relay information; if I think they made plans I have to ask to confirm what's going on. Like, I didn't know there plans for what we were going to do in San Antonio. It's what Joshua wants, but I had no idea. It was something Sheri and he talked about and that was it.

I'm marrying him and it feels like I'm just along for the ride between him and his mom. It wouldn't bug me nearly as much if he just relayed the information to me lol. Logically, they don't see it that way. It's conversation to them, but he doesn't tell me anything; it puts me out of the loop and I feel dumb and insignificant (oh look, an epiphany as to why I feel this way!).

Finally, the first letter written to one of us. Knowing Joshua, it'll be two letters in one envelope, sent to his house. I didn't even think of this, but Sheri got an envelope with Joshua's handwriting on it (it was graduation information), but my stomach dropped. I knew it was the graduation stuff, since all of the moms on a Facebook page were commenting on it. But it was an eye opener of jealousy.

She'll get the envelope, she'll read hers first, and I have to wait to see mine. Thinking about it earlier made me get teary eyed. I don't even know why I'm jealous, I know he doesn't know my address off the top of his head. Perhaps it's the fact I have to share him lol. I've shared him for four years now, I don't know why this would be different.

Rant is done. Now I may seem petty. Hell, reading it over I think I'm petty. But I feel better after writing it out. And I know once him and I move in together, the feeling of me just going with the flow of his mom and him will no longer exist. His problem is that I'm not right there to tell so he forgets. So if he makes any plans, I'll be there to tell. For some reason, though, I see me being the one to plan everything (just to have it dropped due to military's tendency to have change of plans).

As for the envelope jealousy, I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I can't change it, and I wouldn't ask her not to read her letter first. She's known him for 22 years, I've known him for four. Mom trumps fiance, just the way it goes. I respect that. I just hate the feelings of jealousy. Though, writing it now, I don't feel jealous. Perhaps I just had to write it out.

Hyper Awareness

So, because my life will soon revolve around the military, I've been splurging on Air Force information. There's a Chicken Soup book for military wives that I seriously want. I've liked at least 10 Military Significant Other/Air Force Facebook pages, as well. I have also watched about four hours worth of BMT videos, because before BMT, I knew what Joshua was doing by "Whatcha doing?" texts. Now I can't. So that's my coping mechanism.

Anyway, through these mediums, I've learned that Fridays are "Red Fridays," to remember everyone on deployment. So I'm going to wear red on Fridays, or try to (I only have one red shirt, maybe there are shirts out there with the 'Remember the Deployed' text or similar). I've also learned that every week, there are people dealing with what Sheri and I just went through: saying goodbye to a trainee for BMT. So I can be there for others, telling them it does get easier, or at least you don't cry every day.

This shirt is very accurate for Red Fridays. I think when I have money to spare, I'll buy it :)

I've also realized how hyper aware I am now of couples. I feel like I'm in high school, and everyone around me seemingly has a significant other, and I'm left out. Except I do have a significant other, he just so happens to be 1600 miles away, getting yelled, shooting guns, and learning how to fight in a war zone.

I first realized this hyper awareness at a play. Joshua's cousin, Shawn and his girlfriend, Haley were there, and cuddling and kissing in front of me. I don't expect them to not show affection, nor do I expect strangers to know my life. But God, it sucked. I looked up at the night sky a few times to not look at Shawn and Haley. I wasn't fighting tears, but I was sad.

I miss Joshua's presence. I miss doing those things. It's only been six days since he swore in. So I think it'll get easier, I won't cry, but those affections will definitely strike me in my heart. I am a girl, I'll feel jealous, but who doesn't feel jealous over anything? My jealousy lies with everyone being able to be with their significant other. At least it's not over something petty like materialistic things, I guess?

Blogging is a nice way to vent, so I'll blog. My next blog may be about when I get my first letter from Joshua, or call from him. Or perhaps I learn something new about the military typical civilians don't know (like Red Friday, I didn't know of that till I liked those Facebook pages). Or perhaps, the USAF Basic Military Training Facebook page will have pictures of BMT and I see Joshua. Nonetheless, I will find something to vent about, believe me.

It Comes in Waves

Overall, I'm getting better. The first night was hell. Yesterday I was about to talk about Joshua without any emotions, until something appeared that reminded me of him -- like video games. Him and I are gamers, and I played 99% of my games with him. Needless to say, I did not boot any games (even ones I didn't play with him, since I wanted him to play with me), nor songs. But I'm typically okay, and then a wave of emotions washes over me. I get teary eyed for a minute or so, until I can compose myself, and it passes.

So because of this, I was kind of in a daze. I'm antisocial to begin with, but I was just really in the blank state of mind. So my mom drags me along to a BBQ my aunt and uncle were having. So I'm sitting out in their backyard, not talking, occassionaly watching my second cousins splash in the pool. Overall, being extremely 'rude' according to my mom. Well, I'm sorry you took me out to socialize during Zero Week (the first week our trainees leave for BMT).

Facebook is an amazing thing. Thanks to Sheri, I have found a very informative and friendly Facebook community, Air Force Wing Moms. It's obviously meant for mothers, but anyone can join, and they have a great website. And Joshua and Sheri talked about it. But God, this is my biggest pet peeve with Joshua, he doesn't repeat anything. So Sheri is talking about 'Tapping Out' and 'Coin Ceremony,' and I'm sitting here like "What is this?" But I didn't say it. I just nodded and listened. So I'm catching up on reading that. I also didn't know what plans were made for while we were in San Antonio. Which it's what Joshua wants (what was decided, I mean), but I think I should at least know where we are going to. Which I know now, but I had to ask about a week before he left; these plans were made last month. Biggest. Pet. Peeve.

Back on topic, Tapping Out (tapping out?) is an interesting thing to do at the Trainees' graduation. A loved one will come up to their Airman, who is at parade rest, and tap them on their shoulder or hug them. This is so the Airmen are released orderly. But looking at pictures, it looks very emotional, and I can see myself crying. Honestly, at this point, I am sick of crying. Right now, I just get teary eyed, but damn these waves of sadness. Anyway, the Coin Ceremony is the ceremony where Trainees are no longer Trainees, they are officially Airmen of the United States Air Force. Super cool.

Also! I have Joshua's address! It's amazing how the idea of writing to him just lifted the veil of sadness off of me. It's a mouthful, but I am so happy to write to him. With this address, we can find out what squadron mascot he has, and want his motto is. His mascot is the Eagle, and his motto is "Second to none." I think this is SO cool. The Eagle is just cool because Air Force = flying, and Eagles fly. So it makes the most sense (versus Gators or Knights).

His name on the address is "AB Taylor, Joshua A," which means "Airman Basic, Joshua A Taylor." But just seeing it written out 'Airman Basic Taylor' just gets me smiling. I am so proud of him, and seeing it just shows how big this is. I think it's sinking in how major these two months are really affecting him and me. In two months, he is an Airman for at least six years (really, it depends how I feel; if I feel like I can't handle another enlistment, I doubt he would re-enlist). I would be an Airman's wife.

Last April, we didn't even know how we would pay loans or even when we would get married. In May, we went to a Memorial Day service, and that's when Sheri threw the idea by me, how I would feel if Joshua joined the Air Force. Him and I had discussed it before [joining the military], and he always said he couldn't see himself have the guts to do it, but seriously respected those who did join.

I remember walking to a grave (since the service was at a cemetary), and telling him what Sheri and I talked about. He really considered it. At this point, we were only boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was almost three years, I would follow him wherever life took him. That afternoon, we pulled up the Air Force's website and looked into it. Job security for six years. Money, income. We could actually move on with our life, rather than being in this limbo.

Here we are, a little over a year later, and it's actually happening. We are engaged, he's gone, becoming an Airman. And here I am, blogging about it (lol). So thinking back, knowing he was scared to join, but did it... He's brave. Braver than I would ever be. And that makes me proud to be marrying him. He really is my hero. Joshua was my rock when I needed him to be. He knows how to make me laugh, he holds me when I cry, and takes my shoes to be ornery.

Now it's my turn to be strong for him.

It'll All Be Fine in October

So today was the day Joshua has been working for since Memorial Day of last year: he swore into the Air Force and left for Basic Military Training (from now on, BMT).

Originally, Sheri, his mom, was going to work yesterday, to keep her mind off of Joshua leaving. Brian, his dad, and I were going to drop Joshua off at the recruiter and that was that; we weren't going to see him swear in. But over the weekend, Sheri had a "moment." It was hitting her how big this really was. I had a similar "moment" a few days prior; it resulted in a good cry.

Monday morning she called in sick. We were going to see Joshua swear in. Sunday night, however, was very difficult for me personally. First, empathy simply sucks. Every time Sheri cried, I fought tears. Then, Joshua shaved his mustache. I knew it would affect me, but wow... It really affected me. I really had to fight crying. In our four years together, not once did he not have a mustache. And in two strokes of an electric razor, it was gone. It made him look a lot younger, and a lot more like his genetic contributor and younger half brother.

Then the "talk." We stayed up until about 1am Sunday (er, Monday?) talking. Well, mostly I was sitting there waiting for Joshua to gain composure. "It's our last night together." Which all we did was talk until we felt ready for sleep. He had also decided to leave his wedding ring with me, since he didn't want something to differentiate him from other trainees -- which is understandable. But my God it was a tear-jerker, sappy comment. "Keep this ring for me, and when you're sad, I'll be with you symbolically." Even now that brings tears to my eyes.

But I didn't cry. I wanted to be supportive, instead of being supported. Joshua is very much a caregiver, and that's perfectly fine on a normal day. But this was his turn to be supported.

Monday we drove up after dropping him off. We spent time with him in our hotel room (a block away and half the price of the hotel MEPS uses), and had dinner with him. Then after his 8:30pm meeting, we walked over and spent the last hour together with him in the lobby of his hotel. It was hard leaving him. He was anxious and not feeling good to his stomach.

Today, Tuesday, we woke up early and headed out to the MEPS station. My stomach was in knots, worried for Joshua. We sat in the waiting area for recruits (waiting for the family waiting area to be cleaned). We saw Joshua walk by twice. God he was focused. He did not deter from his path, and it was humorous. Thinking back, it could have been a good distraction for him from his stomach.

Finally, Joshua was able to sit with us. He did not feel good, or look good for that matter. He couldn't sit still, he was pale, and he felt nauseous. All from nerves, but he looked sick. A tear fell from him, too. It was extremely hard -- but I did not want to cry. Not in front of him. I was extremely quiet, because I knew if I spoke at times, I would cry. He knew it too, but I didn't cry.

Around 9:30am, he went into a room with other trainees being sworn in, I assume a briefing, and we could see him pacing because he felt better moving. At last, it was time for the swearing. A funny Army guy was killing time, waiting for the woman who would swear in the (I think) thirteen Navy and Air Force trainees. The woman, also Army, came in to swear them in. It was hard, but Joshua didn't look sick to his stomach. It was actually cool to see him standing firm.

After the swearing, we could take pictures. These are my favorite pictures (in favorite-to-least favorite order):

 

He looks so proud. And different without that mustache. I miss it lol.

 

Him standing next to the Air Force flag.

 

Him and Me, next to the flag. I look like shit. Thus it's my least favorite of the three.

We had about another hour with him before the shuttle came to get him. Kissing him 'goodbye' was hard. It took all my strength to not cry as we got our IDs back from MEPS. But as soon as Sheri and I walked out of the door (Joshua in the shuttle), we cried. It was fairly short, but I finally cried.

About 10 minutes later I got a text: "I love you. It'll all be fine in October."

I replied "God why did you send that, I just got done crying." We had three hours to text, it was nice. He texted when he had a lay over in Dallas.

The last event of the night, the scripted call. I was to recieve this call, and Sheri will recieve the call with the address to mail to him. I knew it was scripted. I knew it caught people off guard. But I didn't think it would really catch me off guard, since I was aware it was a script. It seriously did. I said 'Hello?' and in was a rushed sentence. No pauses. "I'm here, I made it, I love you, good bye." I managed to say "I love you, too." I couldn't even say 'Good bye.' Nor did he wait. When the call ended I just started bawling. My sister was hugging me, which was nice. My mom did too. Afterwards, my sister's fiance hugged me as well.

Out of all of this, I am proud I am engaged to Joshua (well, I was proud of him either way, but this is a major step). I'm proud of myself for not crying in front of him. October needs to come here fast, I miss him already.

Limbo

It's been awhile! Simply because Joshua has not left for boot camp and we don't know when. I believe the last time I posted, we believed he would leave February 26th in the mechanic field. Shortly after that, he went back to San Jose (where our local MEPS is) to take one final test, which would give him another job, I think it falls under the Technical Application Specialist (not 100% though). He passed it, and opted for that job.

So what does that mean? That means his mechanic contract is void, and we are now waiting for this techy Macgyver job to open up in the Central Valley. Joshua takes pride in his job, he's one of three qualified for this job in the Central Valley. On top of this, because he's unsure when his job is, we don't know when he's going into BMT, thus don't know when the wedding will be. I hate the waiting game.

My mom thinks Joshua will get in soon because of the North Korea drama. Honestly I want to see N.K. try something. I'm not concerned one bit. Not for America, at least. The closer countries, like the obvious South Korea and Japan, I worry for. But if they bomb those two countries, I doubt America would sit idle. I don't like the idea of war, especially when my fiance is in the process of joining, but if they want to kill millions of people, I really hope President Obama steps up defends those whose lives were ended for too early.

I personally want Joshua to leave ASAP too. It sounds mean, but I want the planning of the wedding done, so no more drama can rise. I want to get the separation for months to be done and over with, and I want the wedding/reception to be done and over with. I hate being the center of attention, and being the bride, there's nothing less to expect but to BE the center of attention. But besides the wedding, the sooner he gets done, the sooner I'm medically insured, as well.

Joshua was recently really sick with Strep Throat. We knew he was sick over the week: headache, fever, coughing... But one Friday morning, he hacked up blood bits. Now, he would have been on Sheri and Brian's insurance if his original recruiter hadn't said NOT to put him on insurance. At the time, thought "Okay, weird, but Joshua doesn't get sick often." He doesn't. But when he DOES, boy is it bad! It was $90 to get him into an urgent care. I was worried, after he fell asleep thanks to the meds, about me. I'm uninsured as well. I couldn't afford $90 if I got Strep. Thankfully, I didn't. But it was an eye-opener.

That's all that's new with me and Joshua!

Wedding Planning, Seven Months Early

Overwhelming. That's a very good word to describe the early steps of wedding planning for me, and probably Joshua. Several questions were asked, but all we could say was "I don't know." Frustrating for those who asked the questions, but we never really considered how our wedding would look color wise, what flowers I want, what types of dresses I liked for me and my bridesmaids... All we knew was that we wanted a beach wedding.

After some initial drama (caused some unneeded tears, but hey, weddings bring out the best and worst of people), I went online to look up a wedding planning check list. I came across The Knot, a wedding planning website. It has everything you need: concepts, a checklist (with a schedule), a timer until the big day... It even lets you host a free wedding website. Joshua and my website is here. I've edited some of the HTML on a couple of pages, simply on the post part, to give more of a personal touch, like the proposal point of view. I suggest everyone who plans on getting married bookmark The Knot. It is awesome, and I'm not even that big on girly stuff.

I've already written down phone numbers for photographers, reception hall venues, D.J.s, wedding cakes... Besides the photographer, everything written down is for the reception. Because we're having a small destination wedding, the reception will be bigger and have more things, like the actual wedding cake. We may have a cheap cake in Pismo, but I want to share the cutting experience with everyone, not just a handful of people.

On a different note, in the next week, Joshua goes in to talk to his recruiter to confirm when he ships out to BMT. If all goes well, he goes to BMT on February 26th, gets done at the end of April, and gets around a 2-month training for a job, getting done with tech training around June or July. The wedding hopefully will be August 5th. If anything changes, I'll let everyone know, but we won't know for sure until the third week into Joshua's BMT. So that's what's up right now. A whole lot of "I don't know."